


all i ever wanted was a life in your shape

by sapph0



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Episode: s03e12-e13 The Sound of Drums/Last of the Time Lords, Lots of Angst, M/M, Not really though, Unrequited Love, kind of a happy ending?, sad boi hour for jack, sad boi year really, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 16:48:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19322182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapph0/pseuds/sapph0
Summary: The Doctor turned around, big grin on that new face of his “Oh! I know what it’s like! It’s like when you fancy someone and they don’t even know you exist, that’s what it’s like!”And then he turns and runs without looking back, like he always does.New face, same man.





	all i ever wanted was a life in your shape

**Author's Note:**

> title is from Mitski's "Strawberry Blond"

“oh all i ever wanted was a

life in your shape

so i follow the white lines, follow the while lines

keep my eyes on the road

as i ache”

 

 

__-_ strawberry blond, mitski _

 

 

The Doctor turned around, big grin on that new face of his “Oh! I know what it’s like! It’s like when you fancy someone and they don’t even know you exist, that’s what it’s like!”

And then he turns and runs without looking back, like he always does.

New face, same man.

That’s when I notice Martha Jones, neck craned, looking like she’s about to cry. I let out a small laugh because she reminds me of what I was way back when I traveled with Rose and The Doctor, (Well, a smarter version of what I was, but that’s beside the point) lovesick and painfully aware of the impossibility of that man returning those feelings which can, and have, last for decades.

She turns towards me, holding the key to every time she could ever want, and I understand.

I smile, “You too, huh?” and then I run off, continuing to do what I’ve always done -  Chasing The Doctor.

 

\---

 

When I’m chained up, all I can think about is The Doctor. No matter how many grins I throw Tish’s way, it feels like it’ll always be _him_. I think she can tell, because a couple days back, after I made a particularly clever innuendo, Tish said;

“You know, you aren’t as subtle as you may think, Jack.”

“I wasn’t trying to be, Tish,” I answered, punctuating the statement with a wink.

Tish smiled softly, “I _meant_ about your feelings for _him._ ”

And then she left, taking the empty tin with her.

And now here I am, my mind on a 900 year-old legend who can never love me back.

I think about when we first met, when his face still had those big ears on either side and he didn’t laugh as much as he does now. He hated me. Then he tolerated me, and then I don’t know what he thought of me, but it was above toleration and it was enough to flirt. Then he left me. Because I’m a fixed point in time, always. Because he can’t be around me without thinking of Rose.

I think we all loved Rose, just a bit. I mean, I sure as hell did. It started out as something romantic, but then it went and turned into some of the strongest platonic feelings I’ve had outside Torchwood.

After she was gone, all that was left was me and The Doctor, the man who travels through time on a whim and the man who can’t travel. What a pair we were.

So he left me.

And now he has Martha Jones, the Doctor of medicine, and he can’t even begin to know what he’s done to her.

The Doctor goes around and he saves people, and he lets them fall in love with him so _easily._ Except they aren’t _really_ in love with him, they’re in love with this idea of him that they have in their heads - That he’s some benevolent hero who goes from time to time making sure history goes down the right path and riding off into the sunset like a lone cowboy, the TARDIS his horse.

But the Doctor isn’t some knight in shining armor yelling “Allons-y!” and then riding into battle.

The thing is, I’ve seen The Doctor at times when nobody wants to see The Doctor, and I don’t even think that was his worst. The Doctor scares me, because I know the power he holds. I’ve seen him look people in the eyes and tell them that he doesn’t care that they’ll die, I’ve seen him mourn, ashes slipping through his fingers, I’ve seen him old and wrinkled and young and alive, and I fell in love with him after all _that._

I think I’m insane.

\---

 

“Come with me,” The Doctor says.

I picture it - A life scattered across time with the man that I love, watching each other regenerate over and over until one of us dies first, hand in hand. I could show him the Boeshine Peninsula, with all it’s little hiding spots that only a child could find, and he could tell me about the red skies of Gallifrey. We’d be happy.

It hurts.

So for the first time in decades, I run away from The Doctor.


End file.
